So I was thinking today about how it was getting colder outside and how we’re coming up on the holiday season, and I realized the excitement I normally feel before Christmas is a little slow in coming this year. I love the holiday season, I really do. I love all the Christmas specials on TV, and all the decorations everywhere. I love driving around and looking at Christmas lights on people’s houses, and going to parties, and giving presents, and baking Christmas cookies. I love all that. But the more I thought about it today, the more I realized that contrary to popular belief, this is the time of year when people get the most selfish and mean. Think about it: on Halloween, people freely give candy to small children; they buy candy especially to give it away. How many of those same people actively avoid even looking at the poor bastard ringing a bell and freezing his nads off outside of Kroger so that they don’t have to put a quarter in his little container for charity. It absolutely kills me. People will give candy to some spoiled little undeserving shits for Halloween, but can’t spare any change for the kids that actually really need it. Ok, so now you’re saying, “but people give more to charity this time of year than at any other.” Yes, but as they skip off feeling good about themselves, some charity coordinator person is wondering how all that money is going to last until the next Christmas season. There are a lot of people who love giving around Christmas, but then the rest of the year, they like to pretend poor people don’t exist. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Christmas time, and I’m glad people give to charity even if it’s only this time of year. I just had to add my bit of social commentary in there.

Anyway despite my love for this time of year, I know that it means we’re that much closer to the wasteland: that period of time from New Year’s until spring break. You go back to school/work after about a week and a half straight of partying, and gorging yourself on foods that you won’t be able to look at again until next year, and by the time you’ve worn all your new clothes once or twice, you realize it’s not even February and that summer needs to hurry up and come. I hate that time of year more than anything. All there is to look forward to are some random holidays for presidents, and Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. You get a few days off, which is great, except that you can’t really do much because you’re freezing your ass off and don’t really want to move from the warmth of your home. Then there’s Valentines Day. I can’t think of a more horrible idea for a holiday. It’s right up there with “Stab yourself repeatedly with a hot poker” day. The only people who like Valentines Day are girls who are dating non-asshole guys. If you’re single, you inevitably find yourself in one of the following situations. 1.) You’re insanely bitter because all the damn couples around you only serve to remind you how very alone you are, so you spend all your time hating anyone who’s getting some in any way, shape or form. OR 2). You don’t actually care much that you’re alone; it’s an ok holiday if only because all that candy goes on sale on the 15th. The problem is your friends. Some of them are single, and insanely bitter about it, so of course they bitch to you about how all of the opposite sex sucks, and how much Valentines Day sucks, and how much all those mushy couples around you all suck, and how much they just wish that they could find someone…. blah, blah, blah…until you want to cut his/her tongue out with a rusty spork and watch them try to bitch with a stream of blood leaking down their throat, and the without the ability to make much more than vowel sounds. Just when you think you’re safe, and you’ve finally escaped the whiny-ass, bitter friend, you’re assaulted by another equally annoying friend. This one is always attached and is either pissed as hell because their significant other fucked up in one of a million ways (forgot the day, shitty card, bad candy, cheap dinner, etc), or they’re positively ecstatic because Mr. Perfect couldn’t fuck up if he tried, and did all these cute little things that Seventeen magazine would print under a column entitled “The cute thing he did that made you melt”. Between all the “I hate men/women! And Valentines Day sucks,” whining, the “And then, do you know what that asshole said? He said blah, blah, blah, and he didn’t even get me roses!” bitching, and the nausea-inducing never-ending praise: “Oh, and did I tell you what he did that night? Well, he wrote the cutest little poem…” you just want to kill them all in a massive murder-suicide. This is what I have to look forward to between January and March. I see why bears hibernate and shit. Who wants to be out for that crap?

The only good thing that happens during the wasteland time is those shifty, hustling little hoes we call girl scouts are out peddling their death wafers. Have you read the nutritional information on those mofos? You might as well eat a can of lard. But since they only come out once a year, you feel like you should buy more than one box, so you get two or three or ten at some heinous price. Then those little heifers disappear until, like March, at which point you’ve already bugged the shit out of everyone you know asking if they know when the cookies are coming in. By the time they get there, you’re so excited you eat the whole damn box (or two or ten) in one sitting, and even if you somehow resist, and don’t eat them all immediately, your mooching ass friends who ate all their shit will come in, and be like “Oh, girl scout cookies! Thin Mints…man I just love those!” The next thing you know, the two of you have torn through the box and started having heart palpitations due to the amount of cholesterol pumping through your veins. Sigh. I wish I could just skip from January 1st to spring break without all the torture in between. Happy Holidays!