So I probably watched more TV Thanksgiving day than I have in the last month, and as tends to happen when I do a lot of anything, all that TV watching only served to remind me why I watch less than 5 hours of TV a week. The programming was horrendous. Besides the obligatory football (which I did enjoy), I got to watch Judge Judy, Room Raiders, and a bunch of other dog shit that’s all blended together in my head. I can’t even begin to express my disgust. What annoyed me the most, though, was not these shows, but two commercials that I must have seen 60 or 70 times each. The first was this commercial for an upcoming TV show called “The Simple Life” where these two hotel heiresses go live on a farm and a camera follows them around being bitchy and rude to the family they’re staying with, and snobby about doing things that the rest of us non-millionaires are forced to do to survive, like drive an old truck, or work at a fast food restaurant. This is entertainment? Watching two stuck up bitches demonstrate exactly what’s wrong with this country, is not my idea of a good evening. I can just picture some asshole sitting in her chair laughing as Paris Hilton makes some snobby as remark about having to share a bathroom and then mumbling something about how those poor rich girls now have the opportunity to see how normal people live. No, NO, NO. First of all, that is not how normal people live. The majority of people in the U.S. do not have to pluck chickens for their dinner. It’s an overly dramatized version of someone’s real life. Additionally, I very much doubt the girls are going to get anything out of the experience besides M-O-N-E-Y. Which they clearly need more of. Oh, and publicity, which I’m sure they also need. The whole idea makes me sick. They were probably pampered the entire time; I mean who manages to have perfect make-up while living on a farm? And yet on all the commercials, they looked expertly done-up. If they wanted to see how real people lived, they should have put them in the projects, and have them figure out how to feed 5 children on minimum wage, with no familial support system to help them with anything. Or if they want to go middle class, have them work a regular part time job while going to school at the same time. When the girls had to work at Sonic, they stood on the corner, dressed as cherry limeades, or something. First of all, no real restaurant would have two mascots outside, and that’s if they had one at all. How the hell hard is it for them to stand on the corner? They should have had them cleaning toilets or bussing tables, actual work that actual normal people do. I don’t think the show would bother me as much if the girls weren’t so ungrateful and rude. On the commercial there’s a part where the lady who lives on the farm asks if they’d like to help pluck some chickens and Paris Hilton responds “Oh, vomit.” That’s just unnecessary. Ugh.

The other commercial that’s been bothering me is this Gillette razor commercial, where they describe their latest “innovative” razor as being the perfect stocking stuffer. WTF? That’s like last year when Crest had these spinning toothbrush deals, that they touted as being a great Christmas gift for under six dollars. Excuse me? Am I the only one that thinks giving personal hygiene products for Christmas is stupid? It’s one thing to give someone one of those basket deals with the soap shaped like seashells, but it’s something else to buy someone a disposable razor. That’s like getting someone a stick of deodorant, or some contact solution. Stupid. The only circumstance where I suppose it’s ok to give people things like toothbrushes and razors is if they’re family and it’s some kind of special electric super razor/toothbrush. A six-dollar toothbrush or disposable razor is never ok in my eyes. And especially not as a gift to a non-family member. What are people who give shit like that thinking? And what are they trying to say to the person they’re giving it to? And what do you say to someone who gives you something like that? “Oh thanks for the tooth floss, Bob, I was just thinking about how I had to run to the store and get some, and now you’ve saved me the trip.” I mean, really. If you’re that cheap, just don’t buy that person a present. It’s more insulting to give someone a six-dollar toothbrush than to give them nothing at all, or even Christmas card. Yes, it’s functional, and yes, they’ll use it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a shitty gift. C’mon people, think a little.

I always feel like people make Christmas shopping harder than it has to be. You don’t have to find the absolute perfect gift for everybody, just something that they’ll like enough to invite you to their Christmas party the next year. When in doubt, go with food. That way if they’re allergic or don’t like whatever it is, they can at least give it to somebody else, and pretend they made it. Candy also works well. The holiday season should be about having fun and getting together with people that you like, family, and people that you haven’t seen in a long time so that you can remember why, and avoid them at least until next Christmas. It doesn’t have to be a big deal if you don’t want it to be, and the best way to avoid having it be a big deal is to 1) Not obsess about gifts and stuff. Breathe. It’s all ok. And 2) Don’t give people practical presents, unless it’s your mother. For some reason, most moms like getting things for the house. My mom always asks for things like a new cake plate, or a vacuum cleaner. Please be aware though: No one else wants that shit. No one likes functional gifts. That’s why you see guys giving girls roses and not ironing boards. It’s just not the way the world works. Follow these two rules, don’t be an asshole if you do get a bad gift, and this holiday season will be, if not perfectly enjoyable, at least bearable for everyone.