Maybe I Should Hire a Consulting Firm

What I wanted...

I got hit on in the grocery store last night. I was in Kroger wearily inspecting a carton of eggs I needed for the tiramisu cupcakes I foolishly promised to make during a week of anxiety-filled 12 hour work days. I was wearing a cute, but work appropriate short sleeved dress and a pair of sensible black flats. In other words, I wasn’t emitting any sort of “approach me” vibe, and I doubt that my dark-circled eyes were giving a look that said “come hither” to anything except maybe the fleeting thought of my queen-sized Serta at home.


I had just given mental approval to the eggs, the last item on my list, when I heard a voice say, “Are you single?” I turned to my left and noticed two things: a strange man standing a little too close to my personal space bubble for comfort, and a whiff of end-of-the-day B.O..


Dreamy.


I’m one of those people who routinely thinks of the perfect thing to say after an event has concluded. For instance, in this situation I could’ve been snarky and said something along the lines of, “Um, not for you!” Or I could’ve firmly shut down the conversation with a “no”, and quick retreat towards the cash register. Instead, the best my sleep-deprived brain could come up with was, “Yes... Why?”


Okay, I knew why. Clearly I knew why. No one asks if you’re single unless they’re doing your taxes or trying to hook you up with someone. Given that tax season is six months away, and we were in the grocery store, I was leaning towards the latter. Also, since he didn’t look like a little old lady interested in setting me up with her socially awkward, perpetually single grandson, I figured he was looking to hook me up with himself. The fact that he was blatantly leering at me was also a dead giveaway.


In any case, Mr. B.O. chuckled a bit at my startled response and responded smoothly, “Because I’d like to get to know you better.”


Now in the time that it had taken for this interaction to occur (about 2 seconds), I’d observed that B.O.-man was not the type of guy I’d be interested in getting to know in any capacity. He was at least ten years older than me, wearing a ratty work uniform and had his sunglasses on inside of the store. Oh, and did I mention the B.O.? So I don't sound like too much of a shallow bitch, I should clarify that it’s not that I have a problem with uniforms, per se, it was more the fact that the uniform had bleach spots and holes in it. Although, now that I think about it, I guess that admission didn’t really help my case for not being a shallow bitch much, did it? Well since I’m being honest, I should tell you that this time around, I’d like to find a guy with an office job, since I’m a shallow bitch who likes to be invited to corporate Christmas parties at swank hotels.


In any case, since I’d decided that I wasn’t interested in McB.O., but am seemingly incapable of telling someone “no” in a way that would make them think it was them (and their B.O.) and not me, I said something along the lines of, “Thanks, but I’m not dating right now. I just got out of a relationship, so I’m sort of just doing the single thing.” Done and done, right? I’ve extracted myself from the situation while effectively keeping my would-be suitor’s ego intact. I’m damaged goods, with emotional issues, and clearly he’ll be moving on. Right?


Not so much. B.O.-meister wasn’t swayed by a little thing like emotional baggage.  His charming follow up question was the ever popular, “so you don’t want to have another friend?” to which I replied that I’d been engaged, and was still trying to recover from the break-up. His response?  “I just don’t understand why that would keep you from spending time with someone else.”


…


…?


…!?


After a few more attempts at persuasion that were met with firm but polite refusals, I finally thanked him once again for his interest and walked away.


The problem with this scenario is that it isn’t entirely unfamiliar to me. I get hit on by the absolute worst guys. I’m like the Ellis Island for leering, perverted creepshows; something about me apparently beckons them near, with their inappropriate looks and overwhelming B.O. Starting during my teen years, I’ve been approached by countless guys, all of whom share the following similarities: the leering “I’m mentally undressing you” expression, questionable hygiene, and my personal favorite, the persistence of a drunken frat boy.  While there was a time in my life (about 6 months back in ‘94) when I found the attention flattering, nowadays, experiences like this make me wonder two things: 1) what is it about me that attracts these douches? And 2) why don’t I attract quality guys?


I don’t think it would bother me so much to be hit on by creepers if I also knew that like one out of every ten times I was approached it would be by someone I would actually consider. You know, the kind of guy who starts a conversation with a girl by greeting her, and asking her name, or throwing out a witty comment about the eggs she’s mulling over. I want to be hit on by the kind of guy who reads a lady’s signals, and backs off if she says something that makes it clear she’s not interested like, as a completely random example, that she’s getting over a broken engagement. Most of all, I want to be hit on by a guy who doesn’t fucking leer.

What I got.

I HATE the leer. All guys (and women for that matter) think about sex. That’s normal. But when you approach someone and it’s written on your face that you see them as nothing but a conquest, it’s insulting. That guy wasn’t interested in getting to know me as a person; he was interested in getting to know me in the biblical sense. He couldn’t have cared less what I was feeling or thinking, or even whether or not I was interested in anything about him. He just wanted some ass. Granted, even the nicest guys who approach girls are probably thinking about getting some action, but there’s something so disgusting and off-putting about having a guy size me up like that right in front of my face. It’s like I could see the porno-reel rolling in a little thought bubble over his head.


So what makes these guys approach me? Or maybe, more importantly, why don’t the decent guys approach me? I’ve found this to be the case even online, which is why I decided last night to re-hide my POF profile for a while. I need to figure out what I need to do to attract the kind of guys I’m attracted to. I don’t intend to change myself, so much as maybe change my self-marketing strategy. Is there a consulting firm out there specializing in the discovering the interests and turn-ons of polite, funny, moderately attractive, moderately successful, college-educated men with no kids in my age bracket? Or am I being too picky?