So have you ever noticed that every so often there’ll be a story in the news about some person who lost his mind one day, got a gun, and went and shot the shit out of wherever it was that he worked? And then they’ll interview the people at his job who are still alive, and his neighbors and family members and everyone will say the same thing: “There was no warning at all, he was such a nice guy, I have no clue what set him off”…etc. Well I think that’s just bullshit. Why is it that when adults go and shoot up their work, they were just temporarily insane, but when a kid shoots up his school, there were all kinds of underlying problems that the negligent parents should have been aware of, and the root of it all could be found in some other kids teasing them, yadda, yadda, yadda. Clearly the same thing happens with adults. There are always signs that that shit is coming. If the person is crazy, then they probably showed some kind of sign that they were crazy long before they decide to go blow a hole in their supervisor’s head. Additionally, just because people don’t tease others at work the way they do in junior high, doesn’t mean that your job can’t steadily push you over the edge so that your only option left is to shoot the shit out of someone.

Where is this coming from, you ask? Well, I just got off work, and all throughout my shift I discovered little things that just threatened to make me lose it. It’s the little things, man, the little things that’ll get you. Today for instance, Molly, the same heifer I talked about before, comes wandering over into my section to steal a pot of coffee. Before I go any further, you have to understand that the key to being a successful waiter is to be efficient. The more quickly you can do things, the more time you have to stare out the window, and the less bitching you have to listen to. Anyway, like I said, Molly comes sauntering over, and because she’s usually all up in someone else’s shit, and we were busy I didn’t pay too much attention to her. She was bitching about how she had to go get ice cream for this huge table of people, and now her waiter tray was sticky and there were no clean ones in the back. Waiter trays, I must insert here, are essential to being an efficient waitress. You can clear tables and bring stuff to people in a quarter of the time it would take without the trays. Anyway, I ignored her whining and went to go refill some old lady's iced tea. When I returned I saw Molly walking back to her area, waiter tray in hand. Only it wasn’t her waiter tray. Yes, that’s right. That bitch stole my clean tray and left her nasty-ass sticky one for me to use! In some places it’s legal to hit someone in the face with said sticky tray when they do shit like that. See? It’s that shysty, shady, shifty shit that drives you crazy. No matter where you work there’s little stuff that all your co-workers do that just drives you crazy. No wonder people fucking snap. It’s all the shifty shit going on. Like those people who are always gossiping about other people while you’re trying to work. Or those people who disappear randomly during the busiest part of the shift, usually to go on a smoke break. What the hell kind of shit is that? Why is it just because someone has a nicotine dependency they get to run outside every hour and a half to sit on the steps and smoke? Just because they don’t function well without it? Well, shit, maybe I can’t function well without a massage every hour. You don’t see any work place letting me run outside to get my masseuse. Cigarette breaks are bullshit. I say, get a patch, bitch, and get back to work. See? SHIFTY SHIT. As if the job wasn’t hard enough without your co-workers trying to screw you over. Geez.

Speaking of how hard my job is, I have to say that waiters get no respect. People are so incredibly rude to us sometime, and so I’m here to warn ya’ll right now: be polite to your waiter. You don’t have to kiss their ass, but acknowledge them as human beings. When I first approach a table I always say hello, and ask how everyone is doing. It’s called exchanging pleasantries. It’s not that fucking hard. If I say hello, the correct thing to say back is not “iced tea, extra lemon.” Give me a fucking second to be pleasant, why don’t you? Say hello back. Maybe ask me how the hell I'm doing. You’ll be amazed at how your service will improve. Additionally, realize that you’re not there to make your waiter’s life difficult; you’re just there to eat. So use common sense. If you order coffee at the beginning of the meal, but don’t plan on drinking it until the end, realize that it might be cold by the time you want to drink it. I actually had one lady do this, and then call me over as she was finishing up her food, some thirty minutes later, to ask me if we served “hot coffee” and if so, could I get her some, because hers was cold. Fucking heifer. I should have said “no, we actually only have lukewarm coffee today," and walked off. I hate that shit, man. In some places if you do something like that, your next cup of coffee may be hot, but it’ll probably have a huge wad of mucus sitting at the bottom. Or maybe some pubic hairs floating around in it. I mean, really people, all we ask is that you treat us like people, be polite, and use some fucking common sense. Why is that so hard? It’s the little things, remember? Don’t blame me if one day you’re mean to your waiter, or mechanic, or whoever, and find yourself with a bullet halfway up your ass. Just be polite!