Back Into the Pool

Maybe it's more of a dating ocean...

Lately I’ve been frustrated with my obsessive roller-coaster ride of emotions about my ex-fiancé. I’m actually sick and tired of hearing MYSELF talk things over in my head, so I can only imagine how my poor friends are coping.

In any case, I decided a few days ago that maybe the reason it’s taking me so long to stop thinking about the relationship is that he was my first major one, and I just need the opportunity to remember that there ARE other guys out there. I left for a reason (many, actually), and I refuse to believe that the only guy I could ever be interested in is him. That’s not to say that I’m ready to date quite yet (because, really, I wouldn’t want to subject any guy to my current state of mind. That’s how you end up with screwed up, bitter guys who say things like, “Girls always say they want a nice guy and then they never do! Golddiggers!!!”).

No, my goal with this first tentative step away from crazy-break-up-town and towards some new normal is just to see that A) there ARE other guys out there who I could be interested in, and B) that some of those normal guys might want to flirt with me. Sober.

These might sound like odd goals, but let me backtrack for a moment: three years-ish ago, when I met my ex, I was coming out of a vulnerable time in my life. I’d just begun losing weight, and gaining a bit of self-confidence. He was (and I guess still is) the first guy I’d ever really dated, and consequently, there’s a voice in my head worrying that he was my one shot at this whole love/relationship thing. In order to shut that bitch up for good, I need to see what else is out there, and everyone knows that the quickest, easiest, most low-pressure way to do that is online dating.

The thing about online dating is that it’s kind of frustrating. The few times I toyed with it when I was younger led me to realize that couldn't stand 99% of the guys on those sites, because they generally fell into one of two categories: idiots and shut-ins.

The idiots are a diverse group, combined solely for the reason that something in these guys' blurbs makes me not want to read past the first sentence. The first thing I do when I see a blurb on Plenty of Fish (POF) is look for basic red flags. TyPinG LiKe a TwelVe YeAr OlD GiRl or IN ALL CAPS (why are you yelling at me?!) are both instant turn offs, as is the use of any “text” speak, including but not limited to “ur” (because if you’re using “ur” it’s for one of two reasons: A) you’re lazy, or B) you don’t know whether to use “your” or “you’re”) and “lol” (“lol” always sounds like a giggle in my head, and there’s no way in hell I’m dating a giggler).

Even if the blurb passes a basic scan, there are a few other things that can instantly place a guy in the idiot category for me: smugness/arrogance, laziness/lack of effort (there was one guy on POF who declared that he wasn’t going to write anything on his profile because it “isn’t a job interview, it’s a dating site”. Um, I’m sorry, but it IS an interview. It’s an interview for my time, and if you can’t be bothered to spend 15 minutes writing 100 characters to tell me that there’s something worthwhile about you, I can’t be bothered to click on your profile. Sorry honey, you’re not cute enough for that). Also, it may not be completely idiotic, but the “wish-list” really turns me off. I understand that you’re “not looking for drama” (because most of us are?) or that you want a woman who has her “life together”, but it seems like announcing it won’t weed anyone out except for girls like me who have those things, but get annoyed by the wish-list. In my experience, people who are full of drama rarely admit to or even realize that they’re full of drama, and people have vastly different ideas of what “having their life together” means. All-in-all, the wish list seems ineffective and sort of asshole-y.

On the other hand, the shut-ins are the kind of guys who seem like they might be nice, but come across as socially awkward and occasionally martyr-ish. They’re the ones who say things like, “most people just don’t get me,” as though they haven’t found anyone to love because the world is against them, and not because it’s hard for everyone. For that kind of guy, if a girl doesn’t like him, it’s not because it’s just not her thing to sit in his mother’s basement playing World of Warcraft for eighteen hours straight, it’s because the girl is just another one of the sheeple who can’t think for herself. I can’t think of a bigger turn-off than an air of arrogant superiority paired with the angsty “no one understands me” martyr act.

In any case, although my profile is hidden, I’ve started browsing POF to see what’s out there, and I have to admit, there are a few that might be interesting. Goal A accomplished. Maybe I’ll actually un-hide myself soon to see about the flirting part of the equation in a few weeks…

Baby steps.