The Secret to a Great Goth Party

So school's out, work's in, and I've been feeling bored (hence my lack of blogging). In any case, I decided to do what any normal person does when bored: I went looking for trouble. Trouble this week came in the form of a party. But not just any party...it was a Goth party. That's right; I went to a real, legit Goth party. The black make-up wearing, techno-listening, children of the night had a shindig to commemorate the death of a man named Klaus Nomi: some big deal Goth dude from like the ’80s. He doesn't look so much like a vampire to me as a clown in Cirque du Soleil, but then so did half the people at the Goth party, so I guess he really was some sort of inspiration to all those angst-ridden, poetry writing, poseurs. In any case, I saw a sign for the party up on the wall in Numbers (the club two blocks away from us), so Jenny and I decided to infiltrate the forbidden world of darkness. Saturday night found us liquored up, wearing our most Goth-like clothes (Jenny's outfit included a Will Rice spoon bent into a bracelet. Other accessories that she attempted and were subsequently vetoed by me were a paper clip necklace and Mardi Gras beads, so before you judge the spoon, please know that I did what I could to Goth-ify the girl. She's just really unGoth-able). In any case, I figured since I’d actually been to one of these things, I should share the secrets to throwing/going to a Goth party.

1) Dress:
While Goth casual wear is simply lots of black, baggy jeans, and fishnets, Goths really go all out for a party. I wore a camouflage skirt and a black shirt, and the minute I walked in the door I realized I was wearing far too much color. Everything was black, the only exception being people who clearly didn't belong, and girls who decided to spice things up with a hint of hot pink or blood red. Dressing like a Goth girl is relatively easy, as you can wear anything that looks like a witch Halloween costume. Anything that makes you look like Elvira, Morticia, or anything 1950s looking also works so long as it's all in black. Also vinyl is a very, very good thing. And if you can find a French maid costume complete with the poofy, indecently short skirt in vinyl, then all the better. If not, stick with the long kind of dress with a slit up the leg. Corsets are also allowed, so long as you're also wearing fishnets with them. And no need to worry if you’re a little too large to fit in whatever outfit you’d like to wear. A Goth maiden need not be shrouded in cloth. Goth communities accept, nay, welcome rolls of fat hanging out of the bottom of your shirt. Additionally, whatever the outfit, the make-up and hair must be extreme. The hair must be big: either very long (in which case you need not wash it) or very tall, and all hair must be dyed black. The make-up must be reminiscent of the aforementioned Cirque du Soleil, but the only acceptable lipstick colors are black and blood red. Eye make-up must be particularly striking. To get the closest possible effect to a real Goth, I’d suggest taking a Sharpie and coloring in your entire eyelid. Then draw a pair of wings out from the side of each eye so that the points reach your hair line. Finally, find some sort of hot pink liquid eyeliner and trace the bottom edge of the eye-wing. Finish off the entire outfit with either a pair of heavy-looking combat boots, the taller the better, or some sort of witch-looking high heeled shoes. In black, of course.

Goth men are a bit harder to dress. Once again, the uniform is black, black and more black, but depending on the kind of Goth you are, there’s a bit of variation. Raver Goths can wear tight shirts and normal sized pants, but most Goth guys should try for the largest pants they can possibly find (in black). It helps if the bottoms are ragged and look like they’ve been dragged through the mud. A mid-level Goth man should wear a T-shirt from some Goth band. Marilyn Manson is best, but anything metal will work too. The most hardcore of the Goth men will wear make-up: first a base of white to really emphasize that you’re one of the undead and black lipstick on top of that so that people can really see the contrast and understand how dangerous you are. Also fishnet shirts are a must for any real Goth man. It helps if you can find a fishnet shirt that looks like it was ripped and stitched back together in a few places. In fact, leave a few rips open. This will let people know that you were recently out struggling with one of your victims, or were in a knife fight. Finally, the most Gothy of Goth men wear capes. Nothing awes people more than entering a room with four feet of black material trailing behind you. Additionally, you should periodically swish it around you to remind people that you’re mysterious and guarded. If you can’t get your mom to make you a cape, a black trench coat will work too.

2) Music:
Everyone knows Goths like to listen to Metal; after all, nothing makes a great party like a song with roaring bass guitars and some man screaming “Rrrrrough sex!” (This was an actual song, btw). Rammstein is also a good choice, because there’s nothing like a rousing rendition of “Du Hast” to get the crowd up and moving. A little known fact is that beyond Metal, Goths also enjoy quite a bit of New Wave. In fact, anything ’80s works, so long as you put it to a metal sounding background. For instance, Prince’s “1999” is an excellent Goth party song once you remix it a bit. The dance floor is sure to fill every time.

3) Dancing:
So now that you’ve got your music, it’s time to learn to dance like a Goth. The first thing to remember is that arms are essential. Unless you can rave dance (which is not well liked, but is tolerated at Goth parties), you should do the basic Goth dance: arms should be held out to your sides, perpendicular to the floor, and waved them in an “S” shaped pattern. If advanced enough, you should attempt to sway side-to-side, while waving your arms. For women, it’s necessary to get a little hip action going simultaneously to let everyone know that while you are a creature of the night, you can shake that ass with the best of them. Legs can be moved with the rest of the body, however, if you can’t seem to find the pulsing techno beat, it’s best to just keep them planted firmly shoulder width apart.

4) Refreshments:
Bud. On draught.

And there you go. You now have the four key ingredients to any good Goth party. Good luck, and may the Nomi be with you.