I've never dedicated a blog before, but this one's for Rachi. We miss you, girl.

So in true college student style, I decided to pull an all nighter last night. It was the kind where you’re like “okay, I’m going to stay up and get this shit done,” so you make the decision, and then you’re like, “hell, I’ve got all night, what’s the rush?” and you fool around and end up not actually getting anything done and you’re woken up 30 minutes late for your first class by your roommate only to discover that you have a permanent crick in your back from the boards under the futon. In any case, that was my night last night. Around 4am, I decided to take a break, and watch some TV because it was too quiet in the room, and since nothing is really on at 4am except music videos that’s what I watched. I hadn’t watched videos in a while because, in a counterintuitive move, MTV and VH1 have decided to only show videos in the middle of the night, and instead, during the day, bombard you with back episodes of "Punk’d" and the "Best Week Ever." In any case, I had a few random thoughts while watching videos that I thought I should share.

1) I hate that floppy rocker boy haircut. You know the hair I’m talking about; that shit that’s always flopping in front of one eye so to see the guy develops a tick where they constantly shake it out of their face. I’ve met a few people who actually have it, and it looks even worse in person. These two guys at my favorite coffee shop have it, and I’m always half expecting to find long strands of that greasy, dyed black hair up in my caramel macchiato. Why don’t the people at coffee shops wear hair nets, btw? People at other food service places have to. I digress… Anyway, I also wonder what makes someone go get their hair cut like that. Clearly it doesn’t grow like that naturally. They have to make a conscious decision at some point that, hey, I want my hair all up in my face all day long. They then have to go to a stylist and describe it to them, and get it styled just right. Then it has to be maintained by regular trips to said stylist to keep it looking the same. That’s one high maintenance guy. (Please see my blog on metrosexuals to understand my beef with high maintenance guys.)

2) It’s hard to respect lead singers who don’t play instruments. In the musical parts of all the songs like the guitar breakdown or whatever everyone else is sweating and playing their hearts out and there’s some asshole standing on the side bopping their heads or grinding up against the mic pole. It’s especially bad in music videos when the camera doesn’t need to focus on them because they’re not doing anything, but because all lead singers are egomaniacs, they have to be all up in the camera with their hair flopping and their pole grinding. At least pretend you’re contributing something moron. Pick up a fucking tambourine or something.

3) I’m tired of the slow motion walking shot. In general walking shots should be avoided. Okay, so you’re talented, you can strut in six inch heels down a hallway while staring straight ahead into the camera lip synching with a mysterious wind blowing your hair back. Can you also pat your head and rub your tummy? I mean, really, we’ve seen it a million times before, give it up asshole. I want to see someone do something new. How about sitting on the toilet singing, or doing jumping jacks or something. Hell, maybe even a shot that doesn’t involve you at all, fucking egomaniac.

4) Avril Lavigne looks like a rat. A rat with really bad eye makeup. And is she ever not upset at some guy? Your sk8tr boi is making your life all Complicated because you won’t give it up like that other girl that threw her life away, and you’re wondering what happened to your happy ending? Please. Find a new topic.

5) The opposite sex in videos is always much more attractive than whatever band leader/pop star singer they’re supposed to be with or whatever, and I’m always like, what’s up with that? He/she is way hotter than you! It’s then that I remember that rich people can get whatever they want, including rat faced Avril Lavigne.

6) Have you ever noticed how a music video can make or break a song for you? I’ve loved some songs, seen the video, and suddenly couldn’t stand them before and vice versa. I mean, if I keep visualizing some guy that looks like Skeletor with long stringy hair every time I hear the “Let’s Get It Started,” it takes away from it, you know? Also, did you notice that they changed the name of the song from “Let’s Get Retarded?” I guess it’s hard to be taken seriously singing about world peace and whatnot, when you’re comparing partying to being qualified to participate in the Special Olympics.

7) Don’t you hate when you’re at a party or a club and a popular song comes on, and some idiot has to bust out with the dance routine from the video? Congratulations, asshole, you watched enough MTV to figure out that move right there. You and your posse of junior high dumbasses have managed to ruin the party for everyone else. What’s even worse is if said idiot and her friends have choreographed their own dance to the song and bust that out. They’re always like, “Oh! Oh! Lauren, Becky! It’s (insert name of teen pop song here)! C’mon!” Then they push their way to some space in the center of the room and start counting beats. Inevitably somewhere in the dance, one of them will mess up, and an argument will ensue. Additionally, they’ve never choreographed the entire thing, so they start repeating themselves over again sometime in the middle of the song, usually before the second verse, and by the bridge, they have no idea what they’re doing. Which really doesn’t matter because by the time they start to repeat themselves, everyone else has moved to the other side of the room. I really hate people like that.

8) I can’t tell whether VH1’s gotten trendier or I’ve just gotten older.

9) I’m tired of everyone needing to prove themselves as a musician by playing the piano in their video a la Alicia Keys. This is another thing that’s been over done. So you can play the piano. So can, like every other middle class kid in the U.S.. Congratulations, you’re mediocre.

10) OMG. An MC Hammer video. I think he doesn’t quite understand how the rap game works anymore. He’s a bit too expressive, is the thing. You’re supposed to just kind of sway back and forth while pointing at the camera and maybe moving your hands a little. Hammer’s like spastically pointing and waving with every syllable he says. It’s like he’s barely restraining himself from busting out into the patented Hammer dance. I bet he misses the pants.

11) Why is it that whenever a new groups comes out, some reviewer has to compare them to some now defunct group from the 80s or early 90s or some incredible rock legend? “Oh, so and so are so hot; they’re the next Guns N’ Roses,” or, “Hot new group (insert name here) is a cross between Jimi Hendrix and Third Eye Blind.” What’s wrong with them just being a pretty good group without all the comparisions? Or if you’re going to compare them, at least be honest. “New group so and so, sounds an awful lot like all the other alternative rock/hip-hop/pop groups out right now, so if you’re a sheep that likes all the shit on the Top 40 station just because it’s on there, you’ll probably like this song too.” That’s the other thing. These groups that the reviewers are raving about generally only have made one or two songs. That’s a little early to start comparing them to a legend, isn’t it? Especially seeing as a year from now we won’t remember the name of whoever that one hit wonder was anyway, and when the song comes on, we’ll be like “Man, I haven’t heard this song in a long time. It was totally played out on the radio last year. What was the name of that band again? You mean so and so? Yeah, whatever happened to them? Did they ever make another song?” I think what we really need is ratings on reviwers. Like stats or something, so that everytime they incorrectly say a band is going to be around for a while their rating goes down and people can know not to listen to them. Although anyone that picks their music based on what a reviewer says is an asshole anyway.

12) The best way to chase someone down in a car is not on foot.

13) Why would you want to look like a back-up dancer in your own video? You’re not a video ho anymore; you can wear clothes!

14) Parties at car washes may look cool in videos, but in real life, they’re probably not. I mean think about it. It’s probably just for all the people who are too cheap to go to the club because they spent all their money on 20 inch spinning rims for a 1976 Cadillac.

15) And finally, there’s something really weird and artificial about seeing a 30 year old sing about teen angst. When you’re 14, it’s like, “wow, someone really understands me! Staind gets me, mom, why don’t you?!” But when you’re 21, it’s like, whoa, Dude. Grow up already. We get it, you used to hate your parents and they fucked you up, but that was like 12 years ago; isn’t it time to give that shit up and get over it? I mean, sing something about things I can relate to, like having to find a job while having no marketable skills, or having no money or something. Oh, wait, you can’t relate to that either. Damn slackers.