So this afternoon I was semi-listening to the radio while doing some other stuff, and the two afternoon DJs were talking about the Superbowl, as was everyone else in the entire country. Honestly, I don’t know how much more conversation about the Janet Jackson boob incident it will take to make me snap and slap someone. Accident or not it happened, and until someone comes up with a better explanation than a “costume malfunction,” do we really need to talk about it? I’ve heard like a million people discussing whether or not it was planned, as well as their own reactions to the moment, etc., that I don’t think there’s any variation on that conversation left for me to hear. Anyway, I digress. As I was saying, the DJs were discussing the Patriot fans in the audience, and how they would boo whenever the Carolina team did something well, or there was a call against New England.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that New England fans are a bunch of meatheads,” the male DJ declared and then described their behavior.

“Well what did you expect?” the female DJ replied. “They’re a bunch of Yankees.”

I couldn’t help but snort with disgust and leave the room at that statement, especially when, after hearing that both DJs were from the north themselves, they began to mock northern accents.

This wasn’t the first time I’d heard an anti-Yankee statement in the last few weeks; I was watching the first episode of The Real World: San Diego, and this chick from some small southern town described one of her housemates by saying something like, “(insert name here) is everything I hate in a guy. He’s a Yankee with a horrible accent,” she drawled in a thick ugly accent of her own, showing the world what a country hick she is. That absolutely killed me. Besides the fact that I find the southern dialect of the English language even more obnoxious than the one from Wisconsin, or anywhere else I can think of, the fact that she disliked him simply because he was from a state above the Bible-belt really grated my nerves. This as well as the two “Texan” DJs mocking people from the north, serve as an example of some general issues I have discovered that need to be clarified.

I have two major problems with the state of Texas (and much of the south in general). The first is the fact that Texans have an inflated sense of self-worth and an incredibly twisted superiority complex. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of where you’re from; the problem arises when you assume you are somehow intrinsically better than someone else simply because you were born/live in a particular state. New Yorkers do this as well and it’s no less annoying when they do it, however there is a major difference. New York City is cool. You almost can’t help but understand why people from NYC are so proud of themselves. It’s still obnoxious, but it’s understandable. Texas on the other hand is not. The state of Texas is like the armpit of the country. It’s down here next to Oklahoma, Mississippi, Louisiana and Alabama for a reason. They’re all shit states. And yet Texans don’t understand this. No one is jealous of you for living here. No one is impressed that you’re a Texan. No one cares, except for you. The next time a Texan goes all state pride on me, I’m going to ask them what exactly is so good about Texas that makes it better than anywhere else. A state with some of the worst education systems, and the highest number of people killed on death row (they may actually be second to Oklahoma right now, but they’re up there) has nothing to be proud of. I can’t think of one quality of this state that makes it spectacular or even worth being proud of. Individual cities might be cool, but the state as a whole is about as interesting as wad of gum. I repeat: it’s nothing to be proud of.

So you might be wondering right now why I dislike Texas so much. Mostly I never gave it much thought when I was growing up. It was this vast piece of land somewhere south and west that liked to shoot people trying to cross the border. However, the experience of being here, and dealing with the disgusting amount of superiority that oozes from most Texans has made me hate it, and as a response, make fun of it as much as possible. Let me tell you there are few things quite as funny as a Texan all flustered and upset because you called them on their bullshit and showed them how crappy their state is. See a New Yorker would just say, “Fuck you, who cares what you think,” or if they really wanted to, they could point out all the awesome things about their city. All the Texans I’ve ever talked to have just been like “Well it’s better than where you come from,” To which I’d like to say, how the hell do you know, you’ve never been there, and additionally, I never said I’m absolutely in love with my state, and I recognize the fact that it’s not the coolest place in the world, which is why I don’t walk around pretending it is, and acting all superior. Additionally the idea that Texas could be better than any other state in the nation is laughable. The other response I get is “Well why are you here, anyway? If you don’t like it, get the hell out.” To that I reply that I didn’t know everyone here was whacked enough to think that their state was interesting/important to anyone besides themselves, and I had already agreed to come before I figured that out, but they don’t have to worry, as soon as my four years are up, I’m going to do everything I can to get the hell away from here.

My second issue with Texas and in fact much of the south in general, is this whole anti-Yankee mentality. First of all the whole civil war thing was over a hundred years ago, and you LOST. Get over it. It’s nothing to be proud of. Every last moron with a confederate flag waving from their pick-up needs have their kneecaps shot out with their own shotgun. Additionally, don’t think you’re superior to any “Yankee” because once again, you lost that war. If you’re going to dredge up the past, please remember who got their asses kicked and act sufficiently contrite. It drives me crazy to meet people with their whole "rebellious southern pride" thing going on. It’s just as bad as the Texas pride thing. Once again it’s assholes being proud of something that they don’t need to be proud of, and worst of all, claiming superiority because of it. I can deal with the pride, just don’t go thinking you’re better than anyone else, because I’ll be forced to point out the fact that you are sadly mistaken. So here’s what I say: get over yourself and fix your shit before you try to tell someone you’re better than them, assholes.

As a side note, I realize that I have many friends who are Texans, and to them I say, wow, sucks for you. Seriously, don’t get all offended because I hate your state, I don’t hate you, so don’t take it personally.